Happy One Year Anniversary!

Happy One Year Anniversary to me!             

This past weekend I had my one-year return to America celebration dinner.  I know, kinda odd right, but it felt like an important milestone to me.  Surviving the first year tends to be the hardest, so hurray for moving onto year two!

Memories of China are still very real and vibrant in my head.  I left when things were incredibly difficult, and I really thought I could easily move on and build upon what I left behind here.  In the grand scheme of things, it was only 2.5 years of my life, 9% of my lifetime, but it sure did make a huge impact on my life and the decisions I’ve made.        

China memories are alive and well but the pictures of what home would be like haven’t quite come to life.  Some days I ask, ‘this is what I came back for??’  I needed and craved stability- stability in my living situation and in my relationships.  It definitely has been more stable, but things still feel shaky underneath.    I forgot how transient Seattle is.  The constant moving and fluctuation of friendships had taken a toll on me, and basically I have a hard time when anybody leaves.  The feelings of pain and hurt of what seemed like everybody abandoning me in China still feels very raw and alive and resurfaces when loved ones move away.  I realize my idea of stability will never be achieved because for one, I am never satisfied, two, I have a far too idealistic picture of what stability looks like, but I’m moving forward with that realization and hoping for the best.

And you know what’s incredibly exciting?  It’s time to dust off my passport and do some traveling next month!  I have the honor and privilege and joining my church’s vision trip to Thailand, then I will be doing some traveling on my own.  I’ll be returning to China for a few days, visiting a friend in Taiwan, then spending a few days in Hong Kong.  I can’t wait!!!  Life will be soon be perfect!  =)

I came across the below e-mail when searching through my inbox this morning.  It’s the e-mail I wrote the night before I left for China (3/31/08) and it felt fitting to include in this post.  I was so young and so full of wonder and excitement…

“To some of the most wonderful people in the world,

Guess what??  Today is the day.  At 6:18pm tonight, I will be boarding a plane to China.  Hip Hip Hooray!  I’ve said many of my goodbyes, I’ve been commissioned off and once I board the plane, I will most likely not return in the next two years.  Goodbyes to my mommy, daddy, sisters and friends have been incredibly difficult.  I managed to not cry until after church service yesterday but the buildup of all the sad goodbyes came out.  I think I’ll shed a few more tears on the plane but once I land, I know that a new life will begin.  I’m excited for the road ahead and the crazy things I’ll be a part of…I’m so grateful and privileged that the Lord has placed this passion and burden on my heart!  And that I have such a great community with me in this! 

 Anyhow, this will be a quick one with no cool formatting as I have to go to bed soon!  I wish I had more time to tell you more about the crazy, wonderful things that have happened in the past few months, but we’ll just have to stick with something brief.     

 Auction

The auction on Feb. 2nd was a huge, huge success!  God totally blew my mind.  Everything went incredibly well, and a total of $5277 came in for the auction!  Isn’t that amazing?  God definitely provided in abundance.  It was more than I could imagine.  The auction brought in more than 100% of my budgeted funds.  He also showed me the beauty of a great community coming together.  People from all walks of my life came…college, church and co-workers. 

 Thailand

Right after the auction, I headed to Chiang Mai, Thailand to attend my agency’s World Wide Conference.   Many of the folks that I worked with before they left for the field attended, and I really enjoyed reconnecting with them.  It was kind of like seeing my children grow up but not really as all of them are older than me.    My entire team was also there so we met up a few times to talk about what we would like to see happen and to pray about the work.  Then I attended a one-week community development methodology training that my team would like to implement.  

March

March has been a month of no work.  And it is absolutely one of the best things in the world!  I met up with a number of people, ate good food, had lots of fun, snuck a trip to Canada, watched a few movies, worked on finishing up my training, did some paperwork, and spent a week in Portland with my family. 

Short DVD Video

I am joining a small team consisting of a couple with four young children and two single ladies.  Their vision is to reach a small minority group.  I have a short DVD video that my team leaders made and will be giving it to Pastor Leah at Quest Church.  It gives you a great overview of the people group, and the type of work I will be involved in. 

Contact Information

I transferred my cell phone number to Vonage.  I don’t know how it works exactly but call this number x and my phone in China will ring!  Coolbeans right?   You won’t be charged any extra fees.  It’ll be just like you’re calling me here.  So call me!   [just remember it’s a 15 hour difference from Seattle]

Thank You

Thank you all so much for your support and prayers and being such great people!  I leave with great anticipation and excitement but also a heavy heart.  I know that your lives will be drastically different when I return, and I’m sad that I’ll miss out on that.  You have shown me how beautiful community can be, and I know it’ll be hard to find again.  Please please call me, email me, write me, send me letters, send me care packages (*hint hint*) and visit me!

I will miss you all dearly!  The next time I write to you, I’ll be in China!  Craziness!

Love,

Amy

 ”

 

give it some time

when i was in china, i imagined how wonderful it would be to once again have unlimited access to steak, lucky charms, twizzlers, cheetos, my mom’s food, sweets, etc etc but now that i’m back, it hasn’t been as satisfying as i had hoped.  i imagined how wonderful it would be like to attend church again and be with church community again.  it’s been good, but it doesn’t quite hit that spot.  my job is everything that i asked for- working with the asian community, speaking Chinese, non-cubicle-like, and a short walk away from home, but it hasn’t been as enjoyable as i had imagined.

in my idealistic world, things work a certain way, and when they don’t, i blame myself.  i think about what i could be doing differently.  i imagined church to be a familiar, warm and cozy place, and to a certain extent, it has been.  But i’ve also felt like a stranger, and i don’t know how to change that except to give it more time.   i tell myself it’ll just take time with my job also.   i don’t know what else to do besides wait until things get better…give myself some time to adjust and really some time to mourn the loss of not being a part of things here…

one of those other kind of days

today i decided i like the overall idea of my job. and that is what motivates me to continue chugging forward.

i met with some clients today, and they spoke cantonese, and that made me happy. now i just need more mandarin-speaking clients. =)

the other day a client said  she felt like there was more hope after meeting with my co-worker and i. and we were both like, that’s what makes this job worth it.

oftentimes i feel like all our clients are very capable people and though they’ve had a difficult time finding jobs, it doesn’t mean they’re not as capable or ‘employable’ as others. after meeting with so many clients this past week, i’ve had an overwhelming sense that that could be any one of us. i could be unemployed soon. you could be unemployed soon. who knows…

on another note: it started snowing in the city i was in, and it never ever snowed for the 2.5 years i was there! i’m so jealous! i love how the world just stops for a day or two and everybody’s either inside keeping warm or playing outside. i love how everything slows down and we’re stuck at home with loved ones. i love that we don’t have to rush off to our busy planned-out lives. i love it when schedules are messed up, and we don’t have to follow our boring, hum drum routines for a little while. i miss china!  and please snow again soon seattle!

one of those days

today i’m having a, ‘i really miss china day.’  i look back and reminiscence the simplicity of life and people.  And it doesn’t help that I keep looking through pictures of china to try to hold onto the good ol’ days.  Life is funny.  All I can do now is think fondly of my time in China.  I still kinda remember the difficult times but it has become more blurry.

people have also asked me if i would go overseas again.  with certain things in place, i would.   i know what i need to thrive, and i’m going to wait until those certain things are in place before i head out again.

work has been a little overwhelming.  i help low income and people on unemployment find jobs, and i’m sensing the pressure of meeting numbers and deadlines, etc etc.  this past week we finally met with our clients, and hearing their stories has really motivated me to try my bestest to help them find jobs.

it’s been really interesting seeing how needs are being met here and how it’s done in china.  i’m not sure if it’s because funding for my job comes from the government, but ya know, our government takes pretty good care of us.  i’ve met people who have been on unemployment for nearly two years now.  and there are so many other gov’t-funded programs, non-profits, orgs that are willing and able to serve.  while in china, there are people wanting to help others out, but there’s so much red tape and obstacles.  and i can’t imagine the chinese government funding a program like mine.

before i moved back to the states, i was afraid of entering into the hum-drum american life, where i go to work everyday, get off work, go home, eat dinner and go to bed.  and i can see myself entering that.  work has been very consuming.   i don’t have the energy to do anything at the end of the day because i’m so exhausted from work.  i’ve been waking up early, worried about whether or not i could handle the day ahead.  but i’m chugging along… my motto as of late has been, “amy, if you can handle china, you can handle anything.”

3 months of American soil….

A lot of people have asked me how I’m doing and if I miss China.  I’m really not sure how I’m doing.  I feel like I’m in survival mode.   It’s not an easy transition but I don’t feel like I’m deep down in a dark pit and can’t get out.  Things are the same but different.  =)  I feel like a stranger in a familiar land.  Who I was in China isn’t who I am here, and I miss that part of myself.  Of course I do miss certain aspects of China but there are also things I don’t miss at all, like how things are run, the yucky pollution and rude people.    but I do miss the people a lot.  I miss the lifestyle.  I worry a lot more about finances and responsibilities and future-ish things here.  Driving for some reason scares me a lot.   My dad gives me a lot more lectures on how I should be planning for my future.   I feel healthier…a lot more healthier.  No more tummy problems for me!  =)

Tomorrow is my first day of work.   It feels very significant because it marks the beginning of my new life here.  I’m really here and will be here for at least a little while.   And the job is perfect!  It’s with a non-profit that works specifically with the Asian community.  My position is to help people find jobs.  It will be challenging, but I’m really excited!!

 

 

 

more stories from the countryside

Showers

showers don’t happen in the countryside.  sometimes i see the ladies wash their hair but a full-on shower?  not gonna happen…

on the left is face washing water, right is feet washing water

the closest thing to a shower is washing our feet every night.  i was given the feet washing thing first(can’t think of the word for the wooden thing in the picture??) and washed my feet in boiling hot water.  then A’s parents grabbed the thing and washed their feet in the same water. yes, in my stinky feet water, but they didn’t seem to care.   they asked if i wanted to wash my face, and of course i did.  so i washed my face in the thing to the left.

one exception are the kids…they get full-on baths!

In Tune with Nature

the family woke up early in the morning and began the day with rice and vegetables.

getting ready for breakfast

it’s nice to be so in tune with nature.  get up when it’s bright out, work the fields during the day, then go to bed when it’s dark.  what a concept.

Cute Story

the above picture is A’s brother, F.   i was right behind F as we were walking into the village, and a few ladies saw us and asked if we were a couple (i had no idea this conversation was going on until A told me about it later).  then the parents proceeded to talk about how wonderful it would be to have a college graduate as their daughter-in-law.  F was all blushin.’    and was kinda blushing the rest of the evening.  =)  so cute.

the next day i asked where i could get some drinking water, so A asked her mom if she could go to the nearby well to fetch some water.  i went along but A was like, everybody’s going to think you’re the daughter-in-law!  …the perks of a small community =)

then i thought, if i married into the family, it could really change their circumstances.  not to say i myself could change their lives.  but if i married the son, he would have the opportunity to go to america and find an ok paying job, instead of doing the back-breaking construction work he’s doing now for pennies.  he could send money home.  a couple hundred USD is a couple thousand RMB.  maybe A and her family could eventually go to america too and live a better life, etc, etc…  i won’t marry him =), but i can’t help but imagine the far reaching effects of this one decision…

A’s parents were able to save up 7000 RMB (~1000 USD) from working in another province.  they hope to use this money to ‘spiff’ up their home so F can find a wife.  =)  A told me ladies from the countryside actually really care about this kind of stuff.

Hard Work

F and A’s husband, Q, work at a construction site, helping to build a bridge.  they live, eat, and sleep there too.  A showed me around, and i was appalled at their working and living conditions.  A and family live in one cement hole.  the families get a cement hole and the single men sleep in one big room together.

entrance to the cement holes

A and family all sleep on a wooden board.  the bathroom is just a hole in the ground, and there’s no real shower.

the men inserting these huge, long metal things into a long, cement structure for the bridge

the bridge from afar

each worker makes a little more than 1000 RMB/ month (~$150 USD).  Hardly enough for a family of 3 to survive on.  the project will probably be completed early next year, then everybody will have to move and find a new job.

i was pretty quiet the whole time because i felt so much heart-break for them.  talk about an incredibly un-level playing field.   they kept asking me how i felt, and i said, ‘ni men hen xin ku,’ (you guys have such hard lives).  i told A i could always go back to my comfortable home here and in america but their home is just a cement hole.  she in turn tried to comfort me!  though life is hard for them, and they have their own set of worries, she’s content that her daughter is healthy, and her husband treats her well.  her greatest hope now is to have a healthy baby (their first baby passed away when she was only a month old).  when i talked to the husband, Q, he said that there’s really no other way.  if he doesn’t do this kind of work, they could not survive.

then i thought about the cards we are dealt.  the simple fact of being from the countryside places them at a great disadvantage.  the simple fact of being an american places me at a great advantage (relatively).  A grew up very, very poor.  her family only had one field, and it was not enough for a family of 5 to survive on.  so A left home at 16 to work in the guangdong province.  she worked in a factory and was very proud of herself for being able to send a couple thousand RMB home after working for a year.  her story is not unique; it is a very typical story of a family from the countryside in this province.

are they deserving of their poverty?  and am i deserving of my privilege?  no.  but oftentimes why do we operate as if we deserve all the things we work hard/ not work hard for?

stories from the countryside

one of my loves here is heading to the countryside.  it’s eye-opening, challenging, heart-warming, difficult, and perspective-changing.

so last week my chinese friend calls me and tells me a friend from her village is really sick.  she really wants to see him but her husband didn’t feel comfortable having her go alone as she is pregnant, and she would be taking her 2-year old daughter.  so i suggested i could go with her. her husband was ok with that, so we left early wed morning and begin our long journey.  her brother, F, ended up joining us.  we first took a 3-hour bus to a small town.  then we hopped on another bus for an hour or so to get to an even smaller town.  then hopped into a van for about half an hour to get to another small town.  we couldn’t find a cheap mode of transportation to get to the village so we decided to hike there.  it was amazing, beautiful, and breath-taking.

rice fields

my friend, A, is my new hero.  She’s 7 months pregnant, hiked for 2.5 hours wearing flip flops, at times carrying her 2-year old child on her back.  amazing…  

after hiking for 2 hours, we see their mommy!  yay, that means the end is near.

the mommy comes out to meet us

we began our journey at 9am and finally got there around 6pm.  the daddy cooked us dinner and served us chicken and why of course, fatty pork.  =)  they were afraid i wouldn’t like the food so i kept assuring them that i actually really like fatty pork (i really do=) ).  so we ended up having fatty pork for nearly every meal.  i think i am ok with not having fatty pork for a long whiles…

we visited the sick friend, Z, that evening, and it was so heart-breaking.  Z is only 17 years old.  it started out as stomach problems a few months ago and progressively got worse.  after awhile the parents finally took him to a nearby hospital but the doctors said his condition was beyond what they can do, and that they should take him to a hospital in the city.  the parents decided not to, fearing he wouldn’t survive the long journey, and took him home instead.  his condition continues to worsen.  Z can no longer eat, vomits blood, etc…  he really wants to go the city to see if he could be treated.  he even thought he could come back with us but his parents really didn’t want him to…hoping maybe he could get a little better, just strong enough to survive the journey.

we all felt so helpless.  A tried to talk the mother into letting Z go, but she wouldn’t listen.  i wish i had a doctor friend here who would be willing to go to the village to tell the parents that Z could be treated, that there is hope, and accompany Z to a hospital in the city.  but i don’t….

but we have hope…

on a lighter note, here’s A’s daughter:

A's incredibly adorable daughter

we ended up spending 2 nights in the village.  A’s parents were incredibly sweet.  they made sure i was comfortable and kept apologizing for the poor conditions.  they’re a very poor family.  A’s parents just returned from working in another province.  it’s very common for folks in the countryside to head to larger cities/ provinces to make money, oftentimes doing hard, manual labor.   the father told me if they stayed in the village, they would only make 1000-2000 RMB/ year (~$150-$300 USD), but between the two of them, they could make 2000 RMB/ month out in the city.  A was sharing with me how heart breaking it was for her to see her parents, who are in their 50s, leave home and go out to another province to work.

sometimes i wonder how it became so unsustainable to live in the countryside.  it’s impossible for a family to survive on just selling rice and vegetables.  but it worked x number of years ago.  what happened?  now families have to be torn apart because the young men and women have to leave home to go work.  oftentimes when the younger ones have babies, they take the baby back home for the grandparents to look after, and the parents leave to go work again.

as i was roaming around the village (it gets kinda boring) one afternoon, a cute old lady invited me to her home.  we tried to chat a little, but she didn’t speak a lot of mandarin.  she showed me pictures of her children, and it seemed like they were all out, either married off or out working.  she wanted to cook me dinner, but i gently refused.  she apologized for the poor condition of her home.  after we sit in silence for awhile, i decided to head back.  i told A about meeting her, and A shared a little about her life.  the old lady’s husband died 6-7 years ago, but the husband did not treat her well.  he drank a lot, had a lot of women, sometimes beat her and didn’t do much work.  her daughters are all married now.  she has one son but he was out working in another province for 4-5 years.  they suspect he was working for what they call a ‘black factory.’  i didn’t quite understand what it was…but the son unknowingly started working for it and could not could contact his mother for 3-4 years.  one of her daughters had a baby girl, and the daughter’s in-laws really didn’t like the baby, so the daughter sent the baby to her mother to care for.   the only source of income this mother had was from the one field the family owns.  but tending a field was too difficult for a woman in her 60s…so she and her granddaughter were barely surviving.  she eventually rented out her field to another family, receiving a small portion of the harvest as rent.  her son returned a few months ago from the ‘black factory,’ but left while i was there to go work in the city.

this is her =)

i have so many more stories to share but will end for now.

to be continued…

china news

i subscribe to a newsletter that compiles interesting news articles on china.  here’s one i found rather interesting….

The American Dream of the Chinese Rich: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2010-08/06/content_11106939.htm

Times are changing.  Chinese are no longer flocking to America because they’re poor and want a better life.  Most Chinese who are able to go to America nowadays are wealthy.  The article says that people only need to invest $500,000 to obtain a temporary green card.   The American Dream…it’s not just an American’s Dream, it permeates other societies as well.

Here’s another excerpt i found quite interesting too: China orders 2,000 factory closures over energy use (August 10, 2010, BBC News)
China has ordered more than 2,000 factories to shut by next month because they are wasting too much energy. The government described the outdated smelters and other processing plants as backward. It is unclear how many jobs will be lost. The move is part of a broader plan for a substantial cut in energy use. China overtook the US last year as the world’s biggest energy consumer, but with a bigger population it is still well behind in consumption per person. The figures were released by International Energy Agency.

2,000 factories will be shut down and thousands will be without jobs  just because China recently became the world’s largest energy user.  One thing China is great at is if they put their mind to something, it’ll get done.  And they will get things down by whatever means necessary.

Recently there has been this huge movement in my city to win three awards: 1) cleanest city 2) most environmentally-friendly city 3) and most civilized city.  I scoff and laugh at this attempt because this city is from far any of those things.  But they’re trying incredibly hard to make it happen.  First, they spread propaganda all over the city…the city is your home, better city, better family, etc, etc.   they eliminated a lot of the street vendors, leaving a lot of people with no source of income but of course the streets are now clean and orderly.  Students lined the streets to make sure others didn’t j-walk.  Pictures were published of people jay-walking, and if your workplace found out it was you, you could lose your job.  (i secretly wanted this to happen to me because how cool would it be to get fired from jay-walking!?).  Coal is still used to cook with at small food stands and little hole-in-the walls because it’s so cheap.  So one day my students and i were eating lunch together, and here came the coal-police without warning, making sure everybody was using gas or electricity.  and if they caught people using coal, they took it away.   Motorcyle taxis are illegal, so they’ve been working hard to eliminate all motorcyle taxis.  If you’re caught with one, they’ll confiscate it.

The newest thing has been little police tents all over the city.  Really, you can see policemen on every block.  i haven’t seen them doing anything…but feel kinda bad for them as they have to sit outside all day long in the heat.

So many new rules are in place to help make the city look good but at the detriment of many people just hoping to make a living.

confiscating motorcycle taxis

coal man confiscating all the coal

propaganda at my school...participating in this will benefit you all, let's participate by not speaking any uncivilized words or do anything uncivilized...

students lining the streets to make sure nobody jay-walks

tummy problems

for the past couple of weeks i’ve been having bad tummy problems (aka diarrhea).  it started right after i got back from shanghai.  that was the first time i had bad stomach pains along with the big D.  it got better so i didn’t think much of it and headed to cambodia.  i was totally fine in cambodia, then troubles starting brewing my last few days there.  i took some magical po chai pills that saved me from past tummy problems but wasn’t quite doing the trick this time around.  so tummy problems continued off and on.  a few days ago it came back bad.  my friend from hong kong was visiting, and we headed over to a nearby town to do some sightseeing, but i couldn’t do anything….

i finally figured that i must have some sort of bug or worm or parasite living in my tummy and no amount of po chai pills was going to get rid of it.  so i consulted an american friend who’s been here for a year and has had all the tummy problems you could think of, and she suggested i take some bug-killing drugs.  it’s working because i’m feeling better already.

but the past few days were quite horrible.  i couldn’t eat.  i didn’t sleep well.  and i was quite dehydrated.  i’m glad i had friends staying with me.  ya see, when i’m sick, i revert to being a child, and i just want to be taken care of.   i wish i was at home…with my mommy tending to all my needs…=)   so my friends replaced my mommy and made sure i was taking my medication and bought me sprite and crackers…

but as i was writhing in discomfort the other day, i thought…how much longer can i do this?  how much longer can i be alone in a foreign country…not knowing if anybody would be able to take care of me when i’m sick?  …not knowing what to do when i’m sick…

i just wanted to give it all up and return home and live a comfortable life.  i have been seriously contemplating continuing this lifestyle in another country but was feeling incredibly discouraged.   so i continue to hope and trust that if i am to make this move, He will not only make it clear but also fill these longings in my heart…

babies

if you kinda, somewhat know me, you would know that i love babies.  i can’t wait to be a mother some day.  and i’m always asking my married friends when they’re having babies so i can play with their babies.  children can bring so much joy and laughter.  a simple smile from a child can brighten up your entire day.  one tiny fear that i had before coming here was that i wouldn’t be able to find anybody and by the time i return home, i would be too old to get married and have babies…(the tiny fear still exists but i don’t dwell over it.) =)

i’ve been falling in love with a baby from the local orphanage, and i don’t say this lightly.  i wish i could take her home.  every time i go there, i hold her for a little while, and she never makes a fuss.  she just looks at me longingly…like she’s saying, take me out of this place (or so i think).   she’s always sleeping in the same spot, so i go straight to her.  sometimes i wonder if she’ll go into foster care soon…though i want that for her, i self-fishly want her to stay so i could see and hold her again.

but today she made a fuss.  i laid her down, and she started crying and crying so i picked her up again, walked around for a little while, then laid her down again.  and she started crying again.  i’ve never seen her cry.  it was a hot day so i could see beads of sweat along her forehead and huge teardrops coming out of her eyes.  it was so sad.  i didn’t know what else to do but to stand there, look at her longingly, then walk away.

i walked away.  then i again thought about the possibility of fostering.  i could offer her a home, clean clothes, never-ending holding and playing.  anything is better than living in the orphanage.  but i know i can’t right now…it would be too hard on the child and me if i were to just foster for a month…

so now i’m thinking about adopting.  when i am able to, i would like to adopt.  and i’m encouraging my chinese friends to foster and/or adopt when they are able to…maybe you should consider too.  =)