give it some time
when i was in china, i imagined how wonderful it would be to once again have unlimited access to steak, lucky charms, twizzlers, cheetos, my mom’s food, sweets, etc etc but now that i’m back, it hasn’t been as satisfying as i had hoped. i imagined how wonderful it would be like to attend church again and be with church community again. it’s been good, but it doesn’t quite hit that spot. my job is everything that i asked for- working with the asian community, speaking Chinese, non-cubicle-like, and a short walk away from home, but it hasn’t been as enjoyable as i had imagined.
in my idealistic world, things work a certain way, and when they don’t, i blame myself. i think about what i could be doing differently. i imagined church to be a familiar, warm and cozy place, and to a certain extent, it has been. But i’ve also felt like a stranger, and i don’t know how to change that except to give it more time. i tell myself it’ll just take time with my job also. i don’t know what else to do besides wait until things get better…give myself some time to adjust and really some time to mourn the loss of not being a part of things here…
Amy, your reflections are so similar to what mine were when I transitioned back to the States. It’s such a weird journey and one not many people can relate to– starting over in absolutely every aspect of life. Who does that?? Work, relationships, physical location, housing, food, language… it’s totally normal to feel not really settled, not really satisfied, antsy, frustrated, disappointed. And yes, it takes time. For me an entire calendar year before I felt really at home here again, and even now there are ways I still feel a little out of sync with this culture and the way things work here. I definitely went through a period of mourning, too (and in some ways still am)– not just friends in Thailand but also my team, more former role, that city that had become home, etc. But it does get better. Hang in there! It helps me to know that God is writing this story and these seemingly disconnected chapters are his perfect design.
it’s hard adjusting back. sometimes your time in china also isn’t acknowledged by others, but you were part of an amazing work God is doing in the east. i believe you are still part of that commission.
My school has started doing a series of events for soon-to-be-graduates. Last week I went to a dinner with a guest speaker who talked about life transitions. She talked about the hazy gray space between one thing ending and another thing beginning called the “Neutral Zone.” She said that the neutral zone is full of disorientation, sadness, discomfort, uncertainty, etc., and it can take a while to find your footing in the new “space” (in your case, moving back to Seattle after years away). It sounds like you’re in that neutral zone. By the time I graduate, you’ll probably feel more solid here, and you can coach me through my transition